How to Not Support Your Soccer Coach

Sarcastic teachings for people new to soccer and the parents of those players.

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The beginning of another soccer makes me feel sarcastic. Here are several ideas on how to endear yourself to your volunteer coach.

1) If practice ends at 6, pick your kids up at 6:30. Isn’t the definition of coach: Free baby sitter who you can sue.

2) Tell your kid not to listen to the coach. He has played the silly game you would never play. So obviously, your child should get their soccer information from you. I mean, Offsides would only be applicable if they actually snapped the ball.

3) Bring your child to the game at the exact time it starts. No use to have them warm up.

4) Kick the ball… Go get the ball.. Tackle them. In Europe, soccer is called football so all football references you know will work.

5) You are allowed to ignore your kid misbehaving at practice. See baby sitter reference. And remember. Just cause you saw your kid throw the ball at the coaches head, doesn’t mean you need to talk to her about her anger issues. Again, see babysitter.

6) Don’t bring water for your child to games or practice. If your coach was any good, he would have thought of that. Same with shin guards and appropriate shoes (in my child’s size). For crimany sakes, what are you paying this guy for. He should cover this.

7) Talk bad of the coach around his wife. She’s a parent too so she already knows how big a dork she married.

8) If your child has ADHD, please give them a Red Bull before practice or during a game. Of course, don’t tell the coach about your child’s condition.

9) Bring your dog or anything to distract the kids during practice. Really. Soccer is kicking a frickin ball in a net. Why the heck should my kid need to pay attention to a coach to learn that? (For those who have their kids do indoor soccer, playing basketball on the unused end of the gym is a great way for you to stay in shape. The coach can just talk louder.)

10) The best time to get your daughter’s ears pierced is the week before soccer season. Soccer balls can’t really rip ear lobes off. Can they? If they do, you can still sue the coach.

11) There is one size of ball. Buy a size 5 only. Your kid will use it eventually even if they are 5 years old and the ball is the size of their lower leg.

12) Remind your child that after games, they should leave any water bottle or clothing that they may have brought to the game. Coach = Field Custodian.

13) Do not suggest the parents buy the kids trophies. This is what a coach is for. Obviously, he is highly paid!

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