Fifa 2010 World Cup Countdown – Blokes, be Prepared

With the FIFA 2010 Football World Cup less than a month away, it’s time to unleash that inner-Scout. Blokes – be prepared. FIFA have sorted the fixtures; South Africa’s sorted the stadiums. Now it’s your time to shine…

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The biggest show on earth is less than a month away, with South Africa kicking off the FIFA 2010 Football World Cup on home turf. Stars will shine, tempers will flare, passions will rise – but are you prepared to play your part?

In these modern, materialistic times of merchandising and mass consumerism, is it enough to just go to the pub to watch your country, your work shirt still on your back? Is it enough to casually check the results on your mobile phone whilst walking around Asda on a Saturday afternoon? Is it enough to half-heartedly paint the St George’s cross on your face whilst you go out and mow the lawn, listening to the commentary on the radio?

Not on my watch it isn’t.

With the clock ticking down to June 11th, now is the time to unleash your inner-Scout, free your credit card, and condemn your significant other to a month of misery. Now is the time, to be prepared.

First and foremost, no football fan is complete without his obligatory replica kit. Any self respecting England fan will already have his Three Lions shirt, steamed and pressed, but what about a back up plan? What if, horror of horrors, Capello’s men should fall before the final hurdle? What if, by Sunday July 11th, Gerrard and co. are already on their way home, and the Germans are set to play in the final? Don’t fear – with free delivery and next day shipping, it has never been easier to support the opposition at short notice.

Of course, if you can’t bear the thought of sullying your body with another nation’s kit, there is an alternative. If you fancy being in the centre of the action, why not try an inflatable referees outfit? For added realism, red and yellow cards can be made from Maltesers and Weetabix boxes respectively.

Once you’re dressed accordingly, it’s time to seriously consider our nations chances. Are you prepared to put your money where your mouth is? An online betting account is your portal to riches, and will be of great assistance when your credit card statement arrives at the end of July. Carragher to score a hat-trick in a World Cup Final at 10,000-1? I like those odds.

Now that you’re dressed and financially secure, you need to prepare your viewing room. This will be your home for the next three weeks. Think of it as a nuclear bunker and dress it accordingly. First thing’s first – you’ll need one of these. There’s nothing worse than missing that all important slice of action, running to the kitchen for a cold one. The settee-side fridge is a great addition to any living room, no matter what loud and expletive-ridden protestations your partner may offer. You can’t keep a beer cool in a bowl of Pot Pourri.

Remember though, the only sight more sad than Steve McClaren and his golfing umbrella is an empty fridge. Now that you’ve got your branded ice-box, you’ll need something to put in it, and there is no greater pain than running out if the match goes to extra-time. Welcome then, the fridge-box, a 20l case of premium scrumpy. With a whopping 7.3% alcohol content, that’s the equivalent of eighty-five cans of standard lager – enough to even take you through the inevitable penalty shoot-out. No defeat will be too great with the support that drink can offer.

With your new beer fridge and its binge-inducing contents in situ, you may start to think about food. A bowl of nibbles? Celery and cream cheese? Prawn sandwiches? These are the football fan’s natural enemy. No snack with a calorific content below your daily recommended limit should be considered. At the very least, you should stock up on mushy peas and the finest quality pies you can source. However, if you want to make it a World Cup to remember, you need to play the game – enter the Archway 5 Burner Doner Kebab Machine, the choice of professional Alsatian incinerators the world over.

Alcohol flowing, kebabs cooking, now is the time to upgrade that TV. You may hear arguments that the current one is only a year old. You may also be told that 28″ really is enough for any domestic purpose, and that standard definition really isn’t that much different. These, football fans, are lies. Remember, there is nothing vulgar or unsightly about a 47″ full HD 3DTV with the associated Sky HD subscription, even if it is in the front room of a terraced council house.

Finally, for our Scottish and Welsh cousins, the most important thing is yet to come. Replica kit, referees outfit, beer fridge, alcohol, kebab machine and TV. What, you may ask, could be more important than that? Well, if you were born north of the border or out in the valleys, you might want to invest in one of these. After all, without one, how do you expect to see your team in the World Cup?

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  1. Posted May 19, 2010 at 8:07 am

    Very exciting and well written article, I don’t watch this particular sport but I hope everyone will enjoy themselves.

  2. Posted May 19, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    There’s time yet – crack open a cold one and pull up a pew. We’ll get to the offside rule later…

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