Epl: English Premiership Football Predictions

Comical look at the EPL 2009/2010 season.

Comments (11)|17 Liked It

As another Premier League season draws to its inevitable close, there are tears up and down the country at the prospect of a summer devoid of football. With nary a World Cup or a European Championship in site, the menfolk of Britain have an agonising wait until the Charity Shield starts it all off again in August. Beer won’t taste the same, and pies will lose their appeal as conversation dries up in cafés and bars. Some may half-heartedly feign an interest in cricket; others make do with the voyeuristic thrills of women’s tennis, but for the most part, lives will be mothballed until that traditional Wembley curtain opener.

In an effort to provide something to look forward to over those empty summer months, a leading London fortune teller was asked to give a sneak preview of what the 2009/10 English Premier League has in store for some of England’s biggest teams*. The first of these predictions can be found below – beware, may contain spoilers!

  • Manchester Utd– Following the summer departures of Ronaldo and Tevez, Sir Alex Ferguson declares that he has no intentions to ’splash the cash’, and has every faith in a midfield of Carrick, Giggs, Scholes, Park and Fletcher. The Red Devils finish 14th, with only the consolation of Giggs second PFA award in as many years – despite him having played only playing twelve seconds of first team football.
  • Everton- Tragedy strikes at a Spanish training camp when Maurouane Fellani’s hair smothers several first team regulars in their sleep. Bill Kenwright promises David Moyes money for rebuilding and sends him off to market with three shiny coins.
  • Liverpool – Rafa’s Army goes from strength to strength until the Spaniard is arrested under suspicion of human trafficking. Records show that of one hundred and twenty seven Spanish youngsters added to Liverpool’s books, none have made it into the first team. Fortunately for Reds fans, the gaffer is released soon after without charge. Asked for comment, a Merseyside police spokesman remarks ‘no hablo ingles’.
  • Chelsea- After courting and then subsequently losing every major manager in the football world, Abramovich’s desire to win the Champions League leads him to look outside of the game. Whitehouse officials are left in shock when President Obama announces that it is ‘time for a bigger challenge’, and makes the trip to London..
  • Arsenal– Arsene Wenger’s increasing dependence on youth leads to an early exit from the Carling Cup when he fields a team consisting entirely of school children. The Young Gunners manage to take the third round tie against Norwich into extra time, but are forced to concede the game when their mums call them in for supper.
  • Blackburn Rovers- In an attempt to get the club playing his style of football, Sam Allardyce bolsters the midfield with Joey Barton, Rocky Balboa, B.A. Baracus and Denis Neilsen. The fastest three red cards in English football lead to them being favourites for relegation after just one game. Unabashed, Big Sam launches a scathing tirade at the F.A., claiming that everybody in football knows that he should have been the next England manager.
  • Wigan Athletic – Steve Bruce’s true loyalties are unmistakably unmasked when he asks the chairman to change the name of the club to Manchester United AFC. Bruce is rightly sacked, and the club go on to finish fourth and qualify for the Champions League. Things work out well for Bruce too, as Sir Alex Ferguson re-signs him as cover for Gary Neville.
  • West Ham United– The financial situation at Upton Park becomes increasingly dire, and the club is repossessed by an Icelandic bank. In a further bizarre twist, Exeter City Council is awarded damages against the same bank, and, due to its insolvency, is paid in assets. Due to council cutbacks, the playing staff is sold off and replaced with eleven Devon bin men.
  • Sunderland, Hull, West Bromich, Newcastle and Middlesbrough– The crystal ball is cloudy for these clubs, throwing up random images of rainy away games at Doncaster and attendances of two thousand fans. Things may become clearer over the coming weeks…

* no such thing happened.

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11 Comments
  1. Posted May 12, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Nice one!- Not sure Fergie will be too pleased with your predictions!!

  2. Posted May 12, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    That’s part of the fun!

  3. Posted May 12, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I hear Stanley Mathews is considering a comeback; maybe he could help one of the foundering clubs.
    I’m from the States, and I don’t know your game of football very well, but I still got a kick out of your article.

  4. Posted May 12, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Hilarious predictions. Man U -14th—love it! No mention of Villa winning the league though. As for the summer, there’s always England V Kasak-whatever, on June 6th.

  5. Nwosu Henry
    Posted July 7, 2009 at 8:56 am

    well there noting to stop manchester united from wining the fourth premier league title

  6. Damon
    Posted July 10, 2009 at 7:54 am

    I like satirical articles, but this is poor. Its not funny. Why bother?

  7. Damon
    Posted July 10, 2009 at 7:55 am

    I like satirical articles, but this is poor. It’s just not funny. Why bother?

  8. Posted July 12, 2009 at 5:42 am

    Thankyou for your input Damon, deemed so important that you had to submit it twice. May I take it that you are a bitter Manc, worried about the impending loss of your Premiership crown?

  9. Posted July 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

    I don’t get the end bit. You mention 5 clubs, 2 in the premiership and the other 3 recentley relegated to the championship. Its an ok article, mildly funny but good job anyway.

  10. Posted July 20, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    Thanks for the comment GG – if you look at the date, this article was published in May, before the season ended. At that point, any of those five clubs could have been relegated, hence the ‘fortune teller’ saw a cloudy picture when asked for a Premiership prediction.

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