Sifu Dansac Explains: How to Win a Bar Fight

Hello Laui, Nihau. My name Sifu Dansac; I am Kung Fu Master, I am Ninja, I am champion bar fighter! Sifu have been in more bar fights than him can remember, some in England, some in China and far away places all over the world. Sifu have face angry mob or regular and enraged barman, Sifu have face angry Chinese Police and Triads. Sifu have seen knives and nunchuks and broken glass use in bars and low dives all over the world.

First thing common to all Bar Fight is alcohol. That’s right, Laui; booze make you aggressive and stupid, more likely to start fight. Fights in bars most common at end of night, when people all drunk but bar want to close. No more booze, drunk people get leary, not have to behave themselves no more, angry because no more beer. Drink make people do things them never do when sober, such as start fight with stranger who maybe look at you girlfriend funny or call you gay.

Effects of Alcohol in Fight

Alcohol is painkiller; it make you too stupid to know you been injured, Laui. Drunk man not always go down to one kick in balls, not always notice if you put lock on him wrist, perhaps even keep coming if you break him ribs or face. Drunk man never know until tomorrow that he is even injured.

Alcohol also make man slow; slow to think, slow to do. Drunk man often signal his intentions very loudly with voice and body language; easy to anticipate and avoid attack.

Alcohol also make you clumsy; drunk man have poor balance and co-ordination, easy to dodge and trip, push over and confuse.

Alcohol make you aggressive; drunk man shout and make himself look big by spread arms, walk with swagger. This make him easy to punch and kick in balls and face.

Weapons of the Bar:

Wrestling a Drunk:

When grapple a drunk, he will bull forward, head down and arms wide. Duck beneath him arm and close, dodge past him and throw forearm around him throat, grapple him from behind. Step on him knee to force him down, pull him back with headlock and attack the small of him back to make arch spine. This way, you control amount of force and can defeat him without be hurt. If drunk have friends, get him in headlock and use as human-shield. Whatever happen, do not release hold on drunk until he is all done and can fight no more.

Kicking a Drunk:

Drunk is slow and stupid; if you are good kicker, it is possible knock him teeth out him arse with kick, finish fight in cool style. If you have the range, if you have the space and the opportunity, if you are flexible and good kicker and not too drunk yourself when fight start, kick you drunk opponent right in the face and it is over, Laui, over; you have won!

If you can do this trick, no one else will mess with you. You will look so cool and feel really high.

Most people not good kickers; if you normal person and can barely touch you toes, if you bit drunk and wobbly on you feet, don’t try kick drunk like Bruce Lee. Kick drunk in balls instead, stomp on him knee.

Punching a Drunk:

When punching man who is drunk, always kick him in balls right after to make sure he go down. Likewise, when kick or punch drunk man in balls, do not be foolish and stand there grinning, waiting for him to fall, but punch him the face as well, right in the face. If one in the balls and one right in the face is not enough, hit him again anyplace on the centre line. Centreline is straight line from nose to groin, down centre of chest and length of spine; human body most vulnerable along centreline for effective attack.

Bottling a Drunk:

Sometimes bar fight look more like melee, with many people fighting all together. In this scenario, consider bottle and pint glass as weapons. When selecting bottle, ensure it has small amount of liquid at bottom; about an inch or so. Empty bottle will smash on impact, dissipate kinetic force and lose all mystic Jing; it very messy and make lots of blood, but not a lot of real impact. Bottle with liquid in bottom will transmit more kinetic force, carry more Jing, and put man lights out pronto. Similar principle apply to glass; empty glass will smash in you hand, mess you up bad. Half-full glass is heavy and smash on target head, knock him spark out Laui, like a light. Most dangerous is jagged stub of broken bottle; if man attack you with this, he is pretty damn serious and you better fight him good. Only time it reasonable use broken bottle stub is when other man has knife; then is call ‘instant arming’ to pick up broken bottle and totally legal self defence in court.

How to Win:

How to win bar fight is this; keep you head. Most Laui don’t know how to fight and if you are Martial Artist, you have advantage. Do something cool right at beginning of fight; jump over bar or onto table, spin pool cue like staff, knock man down with kick or spectacular throw, knock table over and roar; anything that make you look like one serious hard ass. Psychological advantage of look like hard ass give you initiative in fight; use initiative to flatten opponent before him know what to do.

Most bar fight last less than ten seconds, which seems like very long time when adrenalin is pumping and whole world seem to slow down while you mind go lightning fast. You have couple of seconds establish you are scary guy, not afraid of fight entire bar; you have couple seconds prove it by pound on big drunk who start fight; you have couple of seconds while him friends decide what to do about it; spend these last few seconds how you like Laui, because now all the drunks friends will jump on you. If you are lucky, you have friends in bar too who will come to you rescue; fight will be broken up and you and all your friends will be thrown out. Maybe fight will go on outside in street, but then is no long bar fight. If you unlucky, you have no friends and you a Billy-No-Mates; now you have whole bunch of guys try to beat you up and only barman to help you if you are lucky. Remember that fight will only last a few seconds; horrible and scary, it over very quickly. Cover up and guard you face and body, try to stay on you feet. Select one opponent who seem most vulnerable and focus on him while you fight back; punch him in the face, kick him in the balls, stick you thumb in him eye and wiggle it; attack one man at a time, not whole mob all at once. When one enemy leave fight because him can’t take no more, move onto next opponent right away. Make noise; swear and tell them they are pussies. This will give you psychological advantage and improve you aggression and adrenaline. Adrenaline make you feel sick and frightened if not used; get angry and fight hard to make adrenaline give you rush and feel no pain.

Remember always that bar fight most often start by drunk; responsible Laui will drink within measure, both to be not starting fights too often, and not to be drunk when fights sometimes start around them. Best way to win bar fight is to be sober and not drunk.

Join Sifu again to elucidate mysterious questions of Martial Arts and Oriental mystery.

The World Shall Hear From Me Again!