The 20 Worst Golf Swing Tips I Ever Got

After 40 years of fruitless searching for the secret of the golf swing I have finally stumbled upon The Secret. I call it the 800-Pound-Gorilla Swing.

True seekers of knowledge who thirst for the ancient secret of the 800-Pound-Gorilla Swing may receive the startling answer by inquiring at my email address or by prostrating themselves at my door.

Meanwhile, here are the 20 most useless tips I ever got on how to hit a golf ball. The 800-Pound-Gorilla system ignores all of them.

1. Hit down at the ball. (What’d you think, I was gonna hit up at it?)
2. Pull down with the left hand. (I prefer to lunge at the ball with both cheeks.)
3. Move your left hip smartly at the hole. (Did you think I was gonna move my left hip dumbly at the hole?)
4. Don’t move your head. (This sage advice is for you stop-motion movie freaks.)
5. Brace your right leg. (How’d they know I was in that skiing accident?)
6. Imagine you’re swinging a silk stocking with a rock in it. (Oh no. I’m not taking off my socks!)
7. Imagine you’re turning in a barrel. (Oh no, it’s somebody else’s turn in the barrel.)
8. Imagine you’re throwing a ball underhand (you know, like in girls’ Little League).
9. Visualize the flight of the ball before you swing. (I always visualized it dribbling off to the left., and sure as shooting that’s what it always did.)
10. Move both knees at the hole. (What happened to moving my hips smartly at the hole? If I move anything else I’ll be out of town)
11. Pause at the top. (No way. The golf pro always gets after me for holding up play.)
12. Swing easy. (Oh no, I’m swinging for the fences!)
13. Turn your shoulders away, then turn them back. (I prefer to turn away in disgust AFTER I dribble all those shots off to the left.)
14. Imagine you’re holding a tray in your right hand. (Imagine, hell! I AM holding a tray in my hand!)
15. Load up at the top. (Good! My tray was getting low on hors d’oeurvres anyway.)
16. At the top of the swing, point the club at the hole. (Which one? There’s 18 of “em.)
17. Swing, don”t hit. (I thought that was the whole cotton-picking point!)
18. Coil, don’t sway (Look out! I am a dirty snake in the grass!)
19. Tape the word “KILL” on your driver. (I used to have “BE NICE” taped on mine.)
20. Take the club away low and slow. (Oh no. I prefer to jerk it back with a lurch, sway around, do a little dipsy doo, collapse my left hand and THEN jump in the barrel.)

Not one of those dumb tips ever worked for me.

But the 800-Pound-Gorilla Swing does. When I show up on the first tee, even golfers of great renown scatter like leaves in a high wind.

To receive the secret of the 800-Pound-Gorilla Swing right away, email me and I will email you the secret right away!

P.S. Just so you will know what to expect when you start using the 800-Pound-Gorilla Swing, I’ll tell you right now what warnings the PGA made me print on my club covers.

• Driver: Death!
• Three Wood: Doom!
• Tight Lie Wood: Destruction!
• Utility-Wood: Despair!
• Snake Wood: Jump in the barrel!

Once again, the sage of auburn has spoken.