The Worst Day of the Year for NFL Fans

I don’t hate the Pro Bowl; I just don’t care about it. (About a hundred guys get to go to Hawaii with their families in exchange for pretending to play football. Good for them.) What I hate is what it signifies: No more pro football until the Hall of Fame Game on Aug. 3. I’ve come to call this dreary season “The Long Drought.” I dread Pro Bowl day all year. I will begin dreading the 2009 Pro Bowl day on Aug. 3 of this year. As soon as the season starts, the countdown begins for the end.

Alternatives: Oh, Please!

It has been pointed out that there is an alternative called Arena Football, a gentle shower, as it were, in The Long Drought. They also make non-alcoholic wine as a substitute for real wine. Now, have you ever tasted non-alcoholic wine? It’s about as close to real wine as . . . as . . . well, as Arena Football is to the NFL. For instance, last year we could have waded through five months of play to see the San Jose SaberCats womp the Columbus Destroyers in Arena Bowl XXI. Huh? Who? What? There’s also NFL draft day. OK, I’ll mix metaphors here and say draft day is a tiny little oasis in this parched land.

At the least, it slows down the deluge of basketball and (horror!) baseball coverage from sports writers and commentators. But in the end, it’s a “deer-in-the-headlights,” 22-year-old holding up a strangely over-large jersey and ball cap saying things like, “I really don’t have the words to express my feelings about being drafted No. 1 by the Miami Dolphins.” And I believe him. Who would have the words to describe being a rookie on a 1-16 team now under the gentle tutelage of Bill Parcels? Finally, there are mini-camps and player reporting days to training camp. But with training camp you can’t plan your whole weekend around that blissful moment when you stretch out on the couch, chips and salsa lined up, and click the remote for the pre-game show.

And Speaking of Basketball

The thing about basketball is the regular season doesn’t matter. In pro football, once the season starts, every play matters. I can think of no other contact sport (Soccer? No thanks.) in which the ratio is so high between a single play and the outcome of the season. There are only 16 games. In basketball, only the playoffs matter and then only if your team is vitally involved. My team is the Dallas Mavericks, and I think that about says it all. Yes, I admit as we trudge across this parched and barren landscape that March Madness is another wet spot. You can and do set an appointment with your couch and TV for college hoops playoffs, regardless of who is playing. It is a mini-season of high-impact, high-excitement play. But it only lasts about two weeks from Selection Sunday to the Final Four, and then it’s only early April and a vast, sun-dried, desert stretches between you and Aug. 3.

And Speaking of Baseball

I don’t like baseball unless I’m in the stands watching one of my nephews play and they’re all grown up now watching their nephews play. I’m sorry, but does anyone who does not love baseball care about baseball anymore? Will you stop your life down and invite your in-laws over to watch the World Series? Will you be talking about the funny commercials in first inning of Game 1? I think we all know the answer, and the result is: It’s a long drought.

Sports Talk Guys: Help, Please!

There is no greater beating than turning the radio on for the drive to work and being smothered with a statistic-laden argument over ERAs and RBI and on-base percentages and Oh! My! Gosh! I’m boring myself to death just thinking about it. Please, we’re dying out here. Talk football! There’s always some football to discuss. College? Yes! Pro? Yes! Anything? Please! OK. That’s it. I’ve got to go check the Pro Bowl box scores.