The Official Handbook to Philadelphia Sports Fandom

There’s so much to love about Philadelphia. From the rich history to Rocky to Bon Jovi to Cheese Steaks to Brotherly Love, Philly is a great town with lots of awesome, likable qualities.

Unfortunately, the local sports fans are not one of those qualities.

 

In my years of up-close-and-personal experience amongst Philly fans, I have found them to be, as a whole, the most ignorant, obnoxious, arrogant, waffling, annoying, unreasonable, self-contradicting, intolerant, impatient sports fans I have ever encountered. Exceptions always exist, and I mean no offense to those Philly fans who reject the below criteria, but for the most part Philadelphia sports fans obey by the following guidelines.

 

The Official Guide to Philadelphia Sports Fandom:

 

Rule #1:

Philadelphia sports teams always fit into one of two categories: 1. They suck, or 2. They are among the best in the game. There is no middle ground.

 

Rule #2:

Individual players must also fall amongthose same two categories.

 

Rule #3:

a) When your team(s) or player(s) fall into the “suck” category, cuss them out, throw them under the bus, and make sure everyone knows that you don’t like them.

b) When they fall into the second category, brag loudly so that everyone knows what a dedicated a fan you are and always have been.

 

Rule #4:

If your team falls into the “suck” category, and someone makes fun of them, say “Yah, they suck.” If your team is semi decent and someone challenges their superiority, say “Nuh uh, your team sucks!”

 

Rule #5:

For all of the above and below rules, Philly fans have the option of replacing the word “sucks” with “blows,” and then MUST, with very few exceptions, follow whichever verb they choose with “dick” or “cock”.

 

Rule #6:

End results are all that matters in anything. The process by which those ends were achieved are irrelevant when assessing a team/player’s value. For example, to a Philly fan a 1-0 team who beat the Rams by 3 points is inarguably better than an 0-1 team who lost to the Patriots by three. Why? Because their records say so.

 

Rule #7:

Team history is something to be proud of, unless you’re team has a terrible history in which case the present is all that matters.

 

Rule #8:

a) When your nervous rookie screws up, boo

b) When your seasoned veteran screws up, boo

c) When your beloved superstar screws up, boo

d) When nobody screws up but something bad happens anyway, boo

e) When the umps or refs screw up, boo

f) When the umps or refs don’t screw up, boo

g) When your mascot screws up, boo

h) When the broadcaster screws up, boo

i) When you don’t like a batter’s walk-up music, boo

j) When the kiss-cam shows an ugly girl, boo

k) When a child fan of your rival, on his deathbed in St. Jude’s, miraculously recovers from cancer, boo

 

Rule #9:

Regard beleaguered superstars with off-the-field problems as the scum of the league and brag that your team would never associate with those types. Unless of course your team is associating with these types, in which case you must downplay whatever off-the-field baggage said player has.

 

Rule #10:

When opposing players are caught using performance enhancing drugs, follow rule #9.

 

Rule #11:

Injuries and bad officiating are NEVER an excuse for losing, unless your team is subject to injuries or bad officiating.

 

Rule #12:

When in doubt, just boo