Handi-Crapping The NFL in Week Three

Every week my friend T. Diesel and I pick each NFL game against the spread for funsies (sports betting is bad!) and so, I’ve decided to recount our picks and “logic” (a term I use very loosely) to the general public.  Maybe it’ll be entertaining, maybe it’ll be embarrassing.  Either way, I don’t really care! 

Disclaimer:  Diesel and I have proven to be awful at this so if you’re using this as reference for any kind of “pick ‘em” pool of your own, you may want to think twice – and then go the other way.

HOME TEAM IN CAPS – Bill Simmons style

JETS – 2½ over Titans  – Actual thought process of the D (USC Alum, by the way):  “Man I hate the Dirty, but that Jets D is phenomenal.”  Agreed.  And the Titans D has been up and down this year.  I don’t like that the Jets are running their mouths so much, but so far they’ve been able to back it up.  Lets assume they do it again.

Packers – 6½ over RAMS – I’m not too high on Washington this year so I put no stock into Week 2 and we saw what Seattle did to this team in Week 1 with Julius Jones.  What are Ryan Grant and Mr. Rogers going to accomplish?  Me thinks it be a bad weekend to be a Rams fan.  At least your Cards are going to win the World Series.  (Side Note: Grant will probably be shut down because he’s my number 2 RB on my fantasy team, The Judean People’s Front)

Redskins – 6 ½ over LIONS – Ok I know what I just said about Washington, but so many people are leaning toward Detroit finally eking out a win that I have to go the other way.  Plus Washington has a lot to prove after lucking into a win thanks to (my fantasy boy) Donnie Avery.  We like the Lions going forward to start turning things around, just not this week.

Falcons + 4½ over PATRIOTS – A tale of two teams headed in opposite directions.  The Pats seemed to have reached their peak and each of the past few seasons they’ve lost one or more of their veteran contributors.  While they’re still a good team, they haven’t shown it through two weeks.  I don’t see a Belichick team losing two games in a row this early on, but I love Matty Ice and all the playmakers around him.  This might be a shootout and I don’t trust either defense.  Pats are home and we’re still on the fence so we’re taking the points (we also took the Falcons to win outright, but that was only for the sake of consistency).

Chiefs + 6½ over EAGLES – Kevin Kolb is starting over Michael Vick and Jeff Garcia.  Can the Eagles win by a touchdown without the heart and soul of their team?  We’ll find out, but we like the Chiefs to keep it close.

TEXANS – 3½ over Jaguars – Houston looked really good last week and we don’t see Jacksonville being able to stop, uhh, anyone.  Is it too early to start the countdown to Jack Del Rio’s last day with the Jags?  What a shame, he’s not been given much help from upstairs.  Yes, I’m talking about you Matt Jones.

VIKINGS – 6½ over 49ers – The Vikes D should be able to contain Frank Gore and Adrian Peterson is incredible.  That’s really what this boils down to.  Would I be surprised if the 49ers pulled an upset here?  No, Coach Singletary has that team believing in him and each other.  That said, with an average at best quarterback and a hostile environment against a Defense that just wears you down, we think the Vikes will run away with it in the second half.  Literally, if AP has any say in the matter.

Browns + 13½ over RAVENS – Because we’re homers?  Probably.  Because we look at a glass as half full?  Uhh, sure.  But mainly because so many people are so high on the Ravens and soooo low on the Browns that we think neither opinion on either team can be accurate.  Its week three for crying out loud!  Cleveland fans: Stop talking about Brady being a bust through 2 games.  Peyton Manning, in his first season as a starter, went 3-13, completed 56.7% of his passes, threw more interceptions than touchdowns, and had a passer rating of 71.2.  What does this all mean?  Nothing, Brady isn’t Peyton, but he’s not as bad as he’s showing.  Give him a break.  If he hasn’t made progress after ten games, we’ll revisit the situation.  You have to allow your team (and coach) time to grow and learn and make mistakes.  That’s called life.  When you learn to walk, you fall constantly and then, through practice, things start to click and soon you’re running through life.  Give it time.  Anyway, we think the Browns play well enough to keep it close and kill Vegas.

BUCS + 6½ over Giants – We aren’t overly impressed with the Giants.  They’re receiving corps is not the best, and Brandon Jacobs is a beast, but teams should start just loading the box to stop him.  They find a way to win and that defense is remarkable, but on the road against a desperate team down south, we like the Bucs and the points.

Saints – 6½ over BILLS – Will anyone stop the New Orleans offense?  It’s the same question everyone in the country is asking themselves.  We’re no different. 

Bears – 1½ over SEAHAWKS – No offense to Seneca Wallace, but Matt Forte finally goes off and the Bears threaten a shut out, even without Urlacher.  Seattle has way overachieved to this point.  And will TJ Housh please cut his hair?  He’s the NFL’s answer to Steve Nash (or any of the Boston Red Sox when they still liked each other), only worse.

Steelers – 4½ over BENGALS – This is risky since the Steelers won by 3 and then lost, which makes the spread look huge, especially on the road to a team that just pulled a huge win.  However, they are the defending champs and heads will roll if they don’t look like it this week.  I see them getting back to smash mouth football and shutting down Cedric Benson and Chad 8-5.  Someone made a great point to me the other day.  “Ochocinco doesn’t even mean eighty-five in Spanish, it means eight five. Eighty-five is, oc-oc, I don’t know.  But its not Ochocinco.”

Dolphins + 6½ over Chargers – We don’t know if they’ll win, but we think they’ll do enough with the wildcat and against little Darren Sproles to keep it close.  Plus, they started last season 0-2 and won 11 of the last 14.  So we’ll see what happens, but history repeats itself again.  At least + 6½ it does.

Broncos – 1½ over RAIDERS – Are we that high on the Raiders that they only get 1½ against any other professional team?  Sounds weird to me.

Colts + 2½ over CARDINALS – Also seems weird to me that the Colts are getting points against the Cardinals.  There is something fundamentally wrong with that.  We need to get off the bandwagon of teams that are horrible year in and year out and then have one random good season to get everyone’s hopes up, and then inevitably come crashing down to earth.  Wait, did I just pick Miami?  Crap.  Hey I said we are no good at this.  Plus, as my good friend Joe Cat once said “You’ve got to realize, I live my life based on double standards.”

Panthers + 8½ over COWBOYS – We think the Cowboys will win here, but that Carolina is desperate enough to keep it close.  This could actually be the game of the week and if Carolina pulls the upset, look for major changes in Big D.  Jon Kitna might want to start loosening up that arm.

Be well.