Handi-Crapping The NFL in Week 5

Recently I learned that my 10 month old puppy enjoys chewing plastic.  Debit cards, to be more specific.  MY debit card, to be exact.  I wondered, at first, if she was calling out for attention or if I had somehow slighted her without knowing.  Then I thought, “Maybe I punched one of her friends a la Braylon Edwards at a club with Lebron’s boy.”  Then I realized, she’s a puppy and she’s going to chew things.  Then I got angry because I wouldn’t have my debit card for a week.  Then I realized that the Loosely Based Sports crew went 8-6 in our picks last week and are trending upward!  And as a reward, I decided to buy myself a chai latte from Starbucks. 

Then I remembered I didn’t have a debit card.  Crap.

Michael Crabtree is officially a 49er, Braylon a Jet and LBS a Pick ‘Em contender.  Let’s do this.  As always, home team is in CAPS.

Vikings – 10½ over RAMS – Minnesota is on the upswing.  The Twins made the playoffs, and despite the fact they are down in the series, its kind of just gravy at this point, isn’t it?  St. Louis is a bit plagued right now.  The Cards should win the World Series and (with apologies to my LA friends) are now on the ropes at the hands of the Dodgers.  Then there’s the oblong ball.  Favre is throwing like he’s ten years younger and the Rams are playing like they’re ten years old.  This line could honestly be doubled and we’d still take the cover.  Rams fans, you’re welcome.

Bengals + 8½ over RAVENS – Despite the fact that Ray Lewis is on steroids and despite the fact that Joe Flacco has looked like Joe Namath, we still can’t find it in ourselves to pick the Ravens.  The Bengals are getting almost 9 because Vegas thinks the team that showed up (or didn’t show up) in Cleveland last Sunday is the most accurate interpretation of the Hard Knocks Bengals in 2009.  Is that true?  Probably.  And Cedric Benson will miss 100 yards for a second consecutive week.  And Carson Palmer is really overrated.  And the Bengals receivers really aren’t that good.  And the Browns blocked two kicks last week.  So really, all the cards are stacked against Cincinnati.  But you know what?  Their team believes in their coach, and at this point, I think that’s enough.  And I think the Ravens are what they showed they were most of the game last week, which is to say, they aren’t that great.  Because the Patriots aren’t that great.  But that’s another story altogether.  We’ll take the points because we hate Ray Lewis.  Come on, Baltimore, just starting calling yourself Washington D.C. already.  Speaking of which…

PANTHERS – 3½ over Redskins – I said last week that the playmakers in the nation’s capital will have to at some point start showing something.  Maybe I was wrong.  If ever there was a week for it to happen, it was 2 weeks ago.  And then again last week.  And really, there’s another one coming up.  Will the third time be a charm?  We doubt it.  Unless the plays come from Baltimore.

Steelers – 10½ over LIONS – I wonder what’s harder for Browns fans; the fact that they will inevitably begin cheering for the Steelers, or dealing with the smell that comes from being in the middle of these two wretched places.  Does it really matter?  Either way, things are bad, and aren’t looking up any time soon.  This is the smelliest game of the year.  Steelers will roll.

CHIEFS + 8½ over Cowboys – Enough about Tony Romo.  Enough about “America’s Team.”  Enough about the video board.  The Cowboys just aren’t that good.  And this is saying something, because the Chiefs would struggle against most FBS teams.

GIANTS –16½ over Raiders – This is one of two consecutive Diesel picks.  I get scared off by the big spread, especially when a team doesn’t have a marquis receiver and is playing a team who’s strength is stopping the run, such as the Raiders.  I caved and let Diesel have this pick, because lest I forget, they are still the Raiders.  Oakland, its time to hit the hardwood.

EAGLES –15½ over Bucs – Again, it’s a lot of points.  But the Eagles have one of the most dynamic players in the game in Desean Jackson, two solid running backs, a good starting quarterback, Michael Vick, a solid defense, and the list goes on.  It’d be silly to pick against them.  By the way, the Bucs may have made the worst hire of a head coach in any sport since Isaiah Thomas left New York.  And that’s saying something.

Browns + 6½ over BILLS – What do you want from us?  We’re from Cleveland and the Browns covered last week.  Good enough for us.

Falcons + 2½ over NINERS – I still can’t get over how good this Falcons offense should be.  I mean, like, New Orleans good.  The burner will catch fire sooner or later (no pun intended) and since he’s playing against our Fantasy D this week, there’s never been a better time.  Falcons to steal one on the road.

Texans + 5½ over CARDINALS – This is the season of Matt Leinart and Beanie Wells, Ken Whisenhunt just doesn’t know it yet.  The Texans find a way to get things rolling forward on the road in a comfortable place for an offense to play.  This game should be fun to watch, kind of like anything involving Tim Burton.

Patriots – 3½ over Broncos – Mentor vs. Mentee.  That’s the storyline that’s going to get way overplayed this week and you know what?  It’s not that big a deal.  If the Pats win, its expected and we say “Oh the kid’s still got a lot to learn. It was a nice run, though.”  If the Broncos win then we’ll say, “Well they are 5-0 and the Pats are down this year, it’s a fluke more than anything.”  I guess what I’m saying is it only makes sense for McDaniels to have his team lose this game, it’ll sit better.  See, it makes sense!

Colts – 4½ over TITANS – Things just won’t turn around for these guys, will they?  Peyton looks like he’s still in his prime and the Titans look old.  I never would have thought a guy like Albert Haynesworth could make such a difference on a defense, especially when he’s done nothing for Washington’s team D.  But apparently they miss him down south, which if you think about it, is ironic.  Wait, was that a proclamation?  Honest Abe would be proud.

Jaguars – 3½ over SEAHAWKS – Diesel says the Seahawks are injured and in a free fall.  I say they could very well make this one a game against a Jacksonville team that’s got to come a long way and then string together two good games in a row.  And this one is on National TV!  How on earth did this game get to be televised nationally???  I think drawing this assignment for a Sunday Night Game has got to be somewhat like paper clipping open your eyelids and dropping ammonia in them just to see how it feels.  It doesn’t feel good, trust me.

Jets – 2½ over DOLPHINS – It’s a little surprising that the line on this game is this small.  They must not have taken into account the acquisition of a stud wide receiver.  That, or they wanted to make the line uniform with the Over/Under of Edwards’ drops on the day.  We’ll take the over and the Jets.

Hoping for at least 9-5!!!

Be well.

Last Week: 8-6