College Football 2009 Preview

With NCAA football kicking off this week, it’s time for my official preview of ten headlines you are sure to read this season.  That’s right, call you bookie, the stars are aligned, THESE TEN HEADLINES WILL COME TRUE, I GUARANTEE IT!*

*Guarantee applies only in the town of Hellhole, Wy. 

10) NCAA finds UT coach Kiffin in violation of 54 secondary violations!

        Does not penalize school, but Kiffin forced to coach the Raiders on more season

9)  Notre Dame adds new end zone feature to attract diversity.

       Work already underway for “Touchdown Mohammad”

8)  Troy State SAT scandal

       Football team forced to vacate wins and close losses

7)  Jo Pa set to retire

      Longtime coach calls it quits after learning about internet porn

6) Congress bows out of BCS negotiations

      Senator says big time college athletics more corrupt than politics

5)  Rich Rod shows remorse for heavy practice load

Gives players Saturday of Indiana Game the day off, Michigan use the Sigma Tau fraternity, regaining intramural flag football champs.

4)  Colt McCoy wins Heisman

      Award gets him closer to goal of nailing every hot chick in Texas

3)  Miami coach changes recruiting tactics to toughen image

       Canes to only go after known gang members during 2010

2)  Utah goes undefeated, again

Colin Cowherd has nervous breakdown trying to explain why 2 loss Ohio State     team is more deserving of national championship

And number 1 goes to…..

USC and florida play to 6-6 tie, setting stage for the end of days.

Both teams look extremely average in a game full of mistakes and miscues.  Tim Tebow throws his entire team and coaching staff under the bus during the post game interview.  In a reaction to this stunning development, ESPN cancels Sportscenter, Kirk Herbstreit is found locked in a corner office.  A member of the suicide hotline states that the only thing he would say was “How can Tim do this to me?”  Mayhem erupts in the streets of Gainesville.  Pete Carroll steps down from his head coaching position to take a job as the assistant equipment manager for Prairie View A&M.  The national championship is awarded to… Tyler Hansbrough, the only other college athlete to get more pub than Tebow.