The Problem with Cubs Fans

So why are Cubs fans so stupid and immature? Well, its quite a daunting task to have to explain this phenomenon, but I will give it my best effort. Last August, I went to a Cubs game. I thought it would be a fun trip to the ol’ ballpark on Sheffield. It was anything but fun. Oh, sure, the park is old and reminds you of the days when black people couldn’t drink at a water fountain in a generation gone by. And yes, the food is great if you like the flavor of plastic toys. The ivy is still dead looking in the spring and green in the summer. The scoreboard is still as old as the Cubs title drought. But there is something missing at Wrigley Field, and that something is intelligence.

When I came out of my taxi, I immediately was confronted by some flabby chested 300 lb. Jim Belushi looking 40 year old man. He limped towards me in his drunken stupor and screamed aloud “Woooooo! Go Cubbies! Go CUBBIES!” I was alarmed and took a couple steps backwards. I asked him if he could please step aside. Instead, he lumbered towards me and splashed his beer all over my shirt and then screamed “YOU MUST BE A SOX FAN!  ONLY A SOX FAN WOULD NOT WANT ME TO SAY GO CUBBIES.”  I looked at the idiot and said, “If I wasn’t a Cubs fan, then what am I doing here you idiot?”

When I entered the ballpark, the national anthem began to start.  There were some Cub fans next to me who refused to stop talking during the national anthem.  They wouldn’t take off their hats and pay respects.  I asked them how come.  They said, “When America decides to support gay rights, then we will support America.” I then asked “Wait you guys are gay?”  They looked at me and smiled, “Well yeah.  We’re Cubs fans”.  As soon as he said this, the guy put his hands into another guys pocket.  The guy with the hand in his pocket began to smille.

When the game started, I noticed something oddly strange.  3/4 of the Cub fans were not interested in watching a baseball game at all.  They seemed much more interested in texting on their cell phones, looking at women walking by, and drinking beer.  Two men in front of me kept talking about how Wrigley Field is the greatest bar to pick up drunk chicks.  Men would walk by and grab women’s ass and then making suggestions how the girls in the ball park were very “rapable”.  It was absolutely piggish behavior.  There was ONE person who was watching the game.  Whenever this ONE person would boo or cheer, all the drunks who weren’t watching the game would start booing or cheering without even knowing what their booing or cheering at.  I asked one fan about who is favorite players on the Cubs were.  He said, “Oh I don’t really pay attention to the Cubs.  I just come here to get drunk on the weekends like most people who come here.”

By the 4th inning, I saw a fight that was 5 rows behind me.  The two cubs fans were fighting because the guy was oogling over the other cub fan’s bimbo girlfriend.  As they fought, beer splashed every where.  You could hear children crying and screaming.  One child tells his mother “Mom, I hate coming to Wrigley Field.  There is always fights here.  I want to go home”.  You could see blood dripping from the face of the two Cub fans.  They were in a bloody mess.  You would think these two guys were in a UFC match from the looks of it.

As the game went on, one of the gay guys was getting restlesss.  He said the chairs really hurted his buttcheeks.  The other guy gay made a suggestion that his friend should sit on his lap because its more comfortable than sitting on those chairs.  So he did.  The rest of the game, the openly gay man sat on the other gay man’s lap.  Then he said, “Let me put buckle you in with my arms.  My arms are like a seatbelt.  They’ll keep you from falling out of my lap.”

During the 8th inning of the game, I was disgusted by what I saw.  Many Cub fans were expressing their anger toward a Cubs player known as Milton Bradley.  The fans didn’t give a damn about the game, but they were drunk as hell and angry, and just wanted to insult a player just to amuse themselves.  As Milton Bradley stood out there, Cub fans started shouting the N word at him repeatedly.  Over and over, a wave of N words were bombarded at Milton Bradley by Cub fans.  I even saw a young white mother telling her infant daughter to clap her hands and shout the N word at Milton.  I had never been do disturbed by behavior in my life.  How in this day and age can people be so racist when we just elected a black man as president?

I asked one of the hundreds of fans shouting the N word why they would do such a thing.  The fan defends himself by saying, “Oh it’s just for fun.  We aren’t really racist.  We just hate Milton.  Wait till you see the 9th inning.”  I asked, “What’s going to happen in the 9th inning?”  The fan showed me a box of banana peels he had saved.  He said he always comes to Cubs games and hands out banana peels whenever Milton Bradley screws up a game for the Chicago Cubs.

As he promised, as soon as the 9th inning rolled around, he passed out banana peels to all the fans.  Fans were waiting for Milton to screw up again.  They were ready to pounce on him the same way a lion pounces on an antelope.  When Milton let a fly ball slip out of his mit, a STORM of boo’s hit like a tsunami wave over wrigley field.  Fans started throwing banana peels at Milton Bradley shouting the N word every chance they could get.  A young man even gave a child a banana to throw at Milton Bradley.  One really drunk fan started to yell, “Get out of my ball park you monkey!” The racism was horrifying, and I hope I never become like these classless, trashy fans.

As I walked out of the ball park, completely ashamed of what I had seen, a man started to approach me.  I didn’t know what to expect.  He says to me “I saw you at the ball park”.  I asked him “Oh?  Do you need something”.  He was full of anger in his eyes.  He replied, “How come during the game you didn’t throw any banana peels at Milton?  Only a real Cubs fan would throw bananas at a terrible player.”  I shook my head in disbelief.  “You guys didn’t throw bananas because he was a terrible player.  You threw bananas because he was black”. The angry man then blurted out, “You aren’t a true Cubs fan!  You know nothing about the Cubs!  My father went to this ball park every year.  I bet your father never did that!” I ignored him and walked away.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever come to Wrigley Field again.  Cubs management does a great job  of putting out of a good product like the Chicago Cubs.  But Cubs management can’t help if they attract idiots to their ball park.  Cubs fans act like animals and I would hope that nobody raises their child to be a Cubs fan.